If Only

My heart thumps in my ears, it always does when I'm on the job. My teeth flash in an evil grin, along with the knife in my hand. Bloodied tears run down her face as I carve into the rest of her family. I turn to her, she's good looking, shame she has to go too. Blood spatters the wall behind her and her scream is deafening. I linger a little, appreciating my work, giving it my own little flourish. It won't be long till the cops turn up, so I'm a little sloppy, but it’s not like they deserved any better. As the thought goes through my head, my heart begins to ache, a rogue tear sliding down my face as reality hits me. It doesn't normally hit this early; it should be happening while I'm all alone, prepared for it to come. But it hits while I'm escaping, hard. I clutch my chest and let out a string of curses. Why does it have to hurt? I stumble out the back door and run, I can hear the sirens in the distance, closing in. I've never been caught, and it'll goddamn stay that way. I reach the tree grab a branch, moaning in pain. My back thumps against the tree and I slide to the ground, regret lacing my veins. It never hurts this much; it shouldn't hurt this much. I scrunch my nose and breathe heavily, the pain fading agonisingly slow. My breathing slows, my ears thankful for the silence. I damn this curse of conscience. Keeping me from everything I could even begin wanting. Tears slide down my cheeks, creating little rivers that carve down my wind burnt face. My hair is plastered to my forehead and cool sweat trickles down my neck like rain. If only…if only…if only…